The Little Black Book

That will go in my little black book of your wrong doings...

I know a little too much about grudge bearing...

I don't know about you, but grudge bearing was a common habit of mine growing up.  I saw it modeled for me with different people and in many situations.  I had not learned how to deal with pain or the hurt that I felt.  Being entrenched in a family where my father would hold the same mistakes or situations over my mothers head year after year taught me a lot.  Naturally, I  learned to fight by bringing up someone else's mistakes from the past or clinging to what someone did, until they came begging for my forgiveness.  In the chaos of my life this was the one thing I could control or at least I thought I could. I felt control...I would allow that person the freedom from their mistakes against me ONLY if I wanted to.

If we are not careful with our intentions in our communication or actions with those we love, we can fall victim to playing the judge.  This has surfaced in my life and others lives in many ways, a few of them being;
-Reminding them of their wrong doings.
-Putting them down in front of others to publicly humiliate them.
-Not trusting them today, because of a past mistake.
-Quickly snapping because of a built up anger towards them.

These are sometimes intentional actions and words.  The majority of the time I think we are just reacting out of pain because we have not taken the time to sit down and think through our hurt through the lens of what we have seen God do in our lives.
So this is where we begin...Asking ourselves the question...Why is it so hard for us to accept being wronged by someone else and move on knowing that God has it covered.  Instead we want to make them suffer for what they did to us or to someone we love.
We are image bearers of God.  He has left an imprint on us and we reflect who He is.

We need to ask ourselves if we believe that God a God of justice?  

We see clearly through scripture, YES.  Does it make sense then, we would want to see justice brought for those who are in pain or for ourselves when we are hurt?  YES.  Here is where our disconnect happens...  We try on being the judge when we truly do not understand who God is and what He is in the business of doing.  If we clearly understood Jesus' sacrifice and the forgiveness we receive would we try much more intentionally to give that same forgiveness to others?  We would begin to see that sins that are committed by others, that hurt us, are really not committed against us.  Instead, they are sins committed against God.  We may begin to see that we commit sins as great as anyone else each day of our lives.  We would clearly see ourselves standing in the same shoes as Paul when he claimed "I am the worst of sinners". 
 If we could only wrap our minds around all this...Would we the grudge bearers become those who freely give forgiveness?  

We will be on this adventure of trying but never truly understanding God's ways while we are here on earth...I am hoping that I am able to begin to comprehend the forgiveness that I have met through knowing God.   I pray that I learn to pass it on without hesitation, so that more people are able to see who God is through that forgiveness.  I know that I can not do it on my own...I have tried too hard, for too long, and I am done walking that road alone.

It is all a choice...and I want to be someone who freely gives forgiveness.